Friday, May 25, 2012

In Which I Talk About Being An Epic Fail

If you're still reading this blog, I want to hug you. I realise you wouldn't want to hug back, cos I've been a terrible blogger. Erratic posts, months of neglect, you know what I mean. I don't really have to emphasize. But, YOU - deserve a hug of appreciation.

Thing is, I don't even have an excuse for this.

I can't tell you that I've been awfully busy or that something terrible happened that kept me away from the virtual world because it's not true. My life hasn't been tough. On the contrary it's been rather pleasant. Except for the fact that I've been sick for a week, I've been...almost happy. And this isn't about a week-long illness. This blog-neglect thing has been building up for months now. Almost 6 months into the year and I have an embarrassing number of posts to show for it.

The cause? I'll get back to you on that when I find out.

All I do know, is that somehow that drive is gone. (Doesn't it feel like a pity party already?)
I've been an erratic blogger, to the point where sometimes the whole blogging thing has started to feel like a chore. When it's really not. I mean, nobody ever forced me into this thing. Yes, I do have author/publisher review requests waiting for me, but they only send them 'cos they know I love doing it and I've asked for it. Not like I'm being force-fed it.
My reading count has gone down. It's like I've hit the lowest of the lows since I was, I don't know, 9 years old.  I planned on reading a 100 books this year and instead I'm floundering somewhere in the early 20s when almost half-the-freaking-year is gone.
And writing? I haven't added anything new to What Was Mine since February and I dare to call myself an aspiring writer. I keep thinking about it and seeing everything unfold in my head like a movie, but somehow, when it comes to putting it into writing, the words have stopped flowing.

It's like I've lost that whole drive to do the things that I loved the most.

And no, it doesn't even give me the satisfaction of feeling like a tortured artist. No trench-coat-wearing (it's too freaking hot), cigarette-smoking (allergic), caffeine-drinking (happens, but occasionally) tormented persona for me to fall back on. That romance has flown outta the window. All I do now is watch Supernatural (at least that's one loved thing I still have immense drive for) and scream-sing along to Aerosmith and Kansas and all those bands that feature on the Supernatural soundtrack and then I think about how cool all their lives are and it makes me feel tremendously sad that I'm freaking-21-years-old and I haven't even achieved half the things I thought I would by now. And I don't know, I just can't even do anything about it because now when I think of distracting myself from thoughts of this ridiculous helplessness I can't even read or write, instead I Facebook-procrastinate. Like, seriously. What is wrong with me?

It's like I've even stopped trying. Like, earlier there was a certain belief to hold on to. A belief that yeah, all those things that I dream of? Yes, they can come true. But it's like somebody reached inside me and pulled that belief out, ground it into powder and blew it into the wind and now it's so far away I can't even get it back. Like someone put all those dreams and goals in a bag and stamped a big-lettered 'Cancelled' over it and now dangles it over my head just to show that no, none of them came true and I'm exactly where I was two years back and maybe this'll where I'll be in many more years to come. Just stagnant.

When I think about blogging, getting back into it and it's cool-dom, I'm left wondering, WHO ON EARTH WILL EVEN WANT TO READ THIS ANYMORE? I mean, there are so many bigger, better, so-much-more-brilliant blogs out there, then why THIS? And then it's back to Kansas and Aerosmith and Avril's rendition of Knocking On Heaven's Door, which all just makes me sad all over again and I don't even know why.

There are SO many books out there I want to read. And plenty more are coming out. Like Amy Reed's Crazy, which I'm reading on Netgalley and which has pretty much wrecked my heart even though I'm only halfway in. I just wish I'd find the drive to talk about them again. And need to feel that what I say does matter. Even to one person.

It's ridiculous. I don't think I've ever moped so publicly. I don't know what's wrong with me but I felt the need to just get it out there. I mean, what the heck, at least the blog gets an update. Oh god. I could just ramble on and on and you could be there with your mouse hovering over the 'unfollow' button (I know there there isn't one, that you have to go a long way to get there, but still), unless you've done it already, and I wouldn't know where to stop. You know those frenzies you get into and you don't know how far they can just go on? Yeah, that.

Not pleasant.

Sigh.

Here's the thing: I don't know where I go from here. Like, if I've be back to responsible reader/writer/blogger ways. I have no freaking clue. Whether just getting this post out there will magically bring back my drive and all fine things along with it. Heck, I wish it would. And hell yeah, I'm gonna put in some sort of an effort to get things back into their rightful place. No promises, but try I will. I probably owe myself just that much. I think.

Ever found yourself in such a rut?

And just cos you stuck around - if you have - and witnessed this Blog Dance of Pathetico, I'll reward your eyes with something pleasant. Something waaaaaay more pleasant.


I hope you're having a good time :)
 
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